I thought and lost

Friday, March 31, 2006

Carry on away day...

Started out funny, ended up slightly scary:

Running down the street, late for the office "away day". There'd been a last minute change of venue so I turned up at the wrong place to find a map pinned to the door...

Finally I got to the right building. Inside everyone was in fancy dress - some were dolled up as doctors and nurses, others were highway men and many staff wore French Revolution style attire (one of my managers was in full Louis the seventeenth regalia - long white wig, flowery cuffs etc).

Turned out it was meant to be a "Carry on" Film theme. Someone asked what I'd come as. My excuse was along the lines of "I'm an obscure character from one of the early black & white films".

Next thing I remember everyone was split into teams. I didn't know anyone in my team, but they all seemed to know each other. A big "Lucky Dip" bag was passed round and we all had to pull out a mystery object and then spontaneously utter an innuendo-laced witticism about it (at which point everyone would clap and laugh).

Not only did I fail to exactly grasp the rules or overall aim of the game, but only one item was left when it came to my turn - a bag of Italian flour. At a complete lost as to how to inject the flour with either humour or innuendo I resorted to blurting out a string of Kenneth Graham style "Ooooooh's" interjected with offensive expletives! I found this hilarious but no one clapped or laughed, so I kept repeating it...thinking they just hadn't got it.

I was led on to a platform with two people from other teams. We were about to face the Booby Prize for losing, or in my case botching, the Lucky Dip game. The punishment was meant to be a pantomime-style spanking administered with a huge spongy "Mallet's Mallet" style club.

The first recipient was led to the front of the platform and suddenly the atmosphere darkened. A Pirate with an eye-patch, acting as the master of ceremonies, started menacingly waving about some sort of cat-o-nine-tails device and the crowd started to let out blood-thirsty jeers. The realization dawned that this was not going to be some light-hearted mock punishment - Instead we were facing a harsh, sharia-law style public flogging!

Remember muttering "It's just like Lawrence of Arabia" . They began to flog the first loser, I eyed the exits, thinking "Must make a dash for it!"

Luckily, was saved by the beep of my alarm...

N.B. Got on the tube this morning to find that, sitting opposite, was a man with an eye patch! Spooky.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Head Quake

Don't remember much, but sum of it was this:

I awoke (in my dream) to discover that the entire building was shaking and quivering like jelly. My ears were filled with a base growling, emanating from far below.

"Must be an earthquake!" I thought to myself, and I began to frantically run around, struggling to keep my balance, as I woke everyone to alert them.

"Keep calm! Just get under your beds, or under your tables" I shouted. But everyone just looked at me with puzzled incomprehension and no one seemed very concerned. This lack of response agitated me into a state of worried panic, "What's wrong with you people?" I screamed, "Protect your selves, for God's sake!!!"

Subsequently, they sat me down, calmed me and after much talking, it was patiently explained to me that "There is no earthquake...it's only in your head"

No one else was experiencing the shifting, shaking walls and see-sawing floors; no one else could hear the deep, sonic rumbling or sense the violent vibrations.

I was just having a "head quake" and everyone seemed surprise that I'd never had one before and they were amazed I'd never even heard of them.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Furry Coffins

"We spend all our lives expressing and celebrating our individuality, but when we die suddenly we're meant to conform" I told the camera crew as they followed me around the factory. "What I'm trying to do is put the fun back into funerals!" I explained, "That's why I founded Fun-erals in the first place".

I led the documentary makers past a huge, rolling conveyer belt upon which a dazzling array of multicoloured coffins were been spray-painted, polished and "individualised" with personalised embellishments such as quotes, pictures and protruding souvenirs and adornments that were fastened to the caskets.

I swung a door open and pointed, proudly exclaimed "This is our new range". Inside the room were a row of furry coffins. Some traditionally rectangular, others more exotic shaped - All of them clothed in a thick, furry, carpet like covering. Each coffin had it's own unique pattern - some were stripy, others had swirls and spirals, but almost all of them were incredibly garish and kitsch. "We offer them in lambs wool, cashmere, hemp - you name it we do it!" I continued with my hard sell plugging.

At this point the "narrator" of the show began to give a brief biography of me, describing me in glowing terms as “The Willy Wonka of the Funeral World” and the “Bill Gates of Undertakers” . He then began to recap the genesis of my genius:

Narrator: “It all began with a simple idea inspired by the humble supermarket trolley”.

Cut to a younger-looking me standing beside a low standing, elongated trolley and explaining to camera that “Basically, I figured, why not build a coffin-trolley.

Reporter: “A coffin trolley?”

Me: “Right, a trolley to put a coffin on and allow you to push it to and from the chapel.”

Reporter: “And what’s the advantage of that?”

Me: “Well, first off it does away with the need for Pallbearer’s. Plus you don’t need a Hearse – You just push the coffin along yourself. It’s easy – no strength required.”.

Narrator: “It wasn’t long before this daring entrepreneur took his vision even further…”

Cut to images of me fiddling like a mechanic as I construct Caskets with huge motorbike-type wheels attached to their underside’s.

Narrator: “And so the motorized coffin was born...”

Me to camera: “ These babies are going to be remote controlled. 200 horse-power!”

A hideous, furry, rainbow striped, wheeled casket was then shown speeding along over rocky, rough terrain with me remote controlling its movements. Woke up at 5.35 am, couldn't get back to sleep...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Flying Man


A lovely summer's day. A huge green expanse. Somewhere like Hyde Park. Scores of people lounging and lazing in the sunshine. But with a purpose, as if waiting for something to begin. It felt like some sort of commemoration or national celebration. The air was buzzing with a sense of anticipation.

A strange trio made there way through the crowd. A man, a woman and a child. All three dressed in startling yellow clothes. Their matching apparel consisted of bright canary Wellingtons; lemon hued water-proofed trousers, bananary shirts and long, flowing maize coloured mackintoshes.

The odd family strolled towards a bench that was painted an equally luminous shade of egg-yoke. They all sat down and suddenly the bench began to rise off the ground. It floated higher and higher, taking them up high into the sky. The crowd, slightly distracted, looked on with no apparent surprise - as if the whole thing were perfectly normal.

I, however, was amazed. Yet I had the nagging feeling that somehow I'd forgotten the fact that this was actually a really very mundane occurrence and that there was a name for this "event" but I simply couldn't recall it.
Then the Yellow man did something astounding. He flung himself off the bench and began to acrobatically glide through the air - flying this way and that, free as a bird. His yellow mackintosh swept behind him like a superhero's cape, billowing in the wind, as he turning and twisted through the clouds.

The crowd rustled with murmurs of "Ooooh" and "Ahhhhh" and somebody commented "He's definitely a professional."
I watched as the Flying Yellow Man rose higher and higher, ascending at an astonishing vertical pace. Soon he had almost disappeared out of sight, all that we could see was a tiny speck twinkling miles above us in the sky.

Then he began to descend. Hurtling earthwards like a shooting star. Breaking through the stratosphere, diving through the clouds. Falling faster and faster, flaring and flashing, becoming brighter and lighter. Until suddenly he plunged through the clouds above us, transformed into a magnificent, blazing, golden ball of light. Glowing with a pure, blinding brilliance. Shining brighter than the sun. Beautifully Iridescent.

Woke up in a good mood.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The actor who played...

Very short - but very odd. Dreamt I was in some sort of "old people's home". I was confined to a wheelchair, yet I was very excited and was packing in preparation of some sort of outward-bounds adventure weekend (full of adrenaline-sport style assault-courses).

Before the mini-bus came to pick me up I was watching TV with some fellow oldies in the "Common Room". On the screen was some sort of retrospective documentary all about the career of an actor. Clips of an old black & white film were being shown and although I recognized the actor's very distinctive face, I couldn't quite place it..."He looks so young in this" I thought to myself.
The vintage film had a tragic-romantic tone and his role required him to wear lots of bulky metallic armour. The documentary stated that this was "His most famous & beloved role" for which he would be forever remember.

As I wracked my brains trying to remember where I knew the actor from one of the old ladies in the common room made a comment along the lines of "He's not very convincing is he!" and there was a murmur of geriatric agreement. Then it came back to me - Of course - I knew who he was! Who could forget that strangely long face. I recognised him from the Patrick Swayze crowd-pleaser "Ghost". He was the guy who played the slightly deranged Subway Ghost (who kept shouting "GET OFF MY TRAIN").

Next thing I know I'm in the documentary and I'm interviewing the actor.
"So what's your next big project?" I asked him.
"Well," he said, " I'm going to be starring in an updated version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera"
"Wow, really?"
"Yes...It's going to be set in the future and I'm really looking forward to it."

I've no idea why I dreamt about this guy - I haven't watched "Ghost" for ages or seen him in anything else...Looked him up on IMDB and apparently his name's Vincent Schiavelli.



Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Weird Waiter & the Easter Island Eclipse


Only a short dream, but very memorable. When it started I was in a restaurant with some friends, waiting to make our food orders. For some strange reason every time the Waiter came to serve us I got the distinct impression he kept on banging into or brushing against me on purpose. Things finally came to a head and my suspicions were confirmed when the Weird Waiter blatantly started touching my hair whilst he collected our plates.

"What do you think you're doing?" I shouted in absolute outrage, but the Weird Waiter just looked at me blankly and shrugged his shoulders like he was totally innocent - Yet the very next second, as soon as I looked way, he started doing it again - roughly combing my hair with his fingers.

Astonished and shocked at his behaviour I nevertheless felt embarrassed at the possibility of making a scene in the restaurant, so I tried to keep calm and just kept quietly admonishing him, urging him to "Please. Stop now. Come on this is ridiculous!"

Next thing I remember is sitting reading the Sunday papers with my girlfriend. I was relaxing, reading the Travel section, sipping a cup of tea. Suddenly I saw an advert that made me jump out of my seat with excitement.
"This is unbelievable" I squealed, my mind boggling from a rush of euphoria "What a brilliant bargain!".
"What? What is it?" asked my good lady.

I proceeded to eagerly read out the details of the advert - "£134 for five days in Easter Island - FLIGHTS INCLUDED!!! - To watch the Solar Eclipse on March the 15th!"

"Maybe it's a mis-print. Perhaps it's meant to say £1,134" said the lady of the house.

I read and re-read the advert, utterly amazed at how cheap the offer was; double-checking that I hadn't mis-read it or missed some small-print. But it all seemed legit, a bona fidi bargain-not-to-be-missed!

"We've got to do it!" I yelled, "We've got to phone and book it RIGHT AWAY! They're bound to sell out in no time - Everyone in the country will be buying tickets!"

I rushed for the phone and began to dial. My heart was beating triple speed as I pictured myself standing amidst the ancient statues of Easter Island, watching the cosmic grandeur of a solar eclipse taking place in the clear Pacific skies above.
Then my alarm went off and I woke up....Out of curiosity I typed "Easter Island Eclipse" into google this morning - Turns out there IS one happening in line with the Island, but not till 2010...Maybe I'll try and be there for that!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

A rude awakening...

I was having a very pleasant dream, which at the time was very vivid and seemed full of wonderful ideas, and I remember thinking "Wow, I've got to remember this when I wake up!". Next thing I know a bolt of searing pain struck me and flowed over my face. At first I thought this was part of the dream, but within a second I'd awoken to discover that the pain was all to real...
My nose was in agony and the culprit was a heavy, flaying fist that lay twitching on the pillow beside my head, innocently attached to the body of my still sleeping girlfriend. I got up and went to the bathroom to inspect the damage. No blood, thankfully. Slight swelling, perhaps, but no apparent bruising. But it hurt so much! I started to worry that maybe it was broken.
"Oh, God, I bet she's fractured my delicate nasal cartilage" I thought to myself.

Through drowsy, hypochondrial eyes I began to view the nose from every angle, fretting that the injury had rendered it noticeably lopsided or seriously misaligned. The more I looked at it the more crooked and plain "wrong" it seemed to be. Lack of sleep and the on-set of paranoia combined to the extent that I was almost hallucinating - My nose looked completely different to me. Like someone had come along and given me a nose transplant in the middle of the night. In the end I hardly recognized myself...Not just the nose, but my whole face.

After staring so intently at my reflected nose for so long everything seemed to blur and in my bleary vision my entire face seemed alien and strangely unfamiliar. I gave up examining it and staggered back to bed, muttering expletives, absolutely shattered and decidedly unhappy about the prospect of having to face life with an unwanted new nose.

When I awoke it looked pretty much as per normal...Well, as normal as I can remember - I mean I never really paid that much attention to my nose before. Not that I neglected its existence. It's just one of those things you take for granted I guess. Anyway, the entire incident has left me slightly apprehensive about the possibility of future bed-time assaults. I mean I try to be sensible and avoid risks during my waking hours - But what's the point if I'm liable to be attacked at any minute of the night, whilst lying prone in the supposed safety of my own bed!