Furry Coffins
"We spend all our lives expressing and celebrating our individuality, but when we die suddenly we're meant to conform" I told the camera crew as they followed me around the factory. "What I'm trying to do is put the fun back into funerals!" I explained, "That's why I founded Fun-erals in the first place".
I led the documentary makers past a huge, rolling conveyer belt upon which a dazzling array of multicoloured coffins were been spray-painted, polished and "individualised" with personalised embellishments such as quotes, pictures and protruding souvenirs and adornments that were fastened to the caskets.
I swung a door open and pointed, proudly exclaimed "This is our new range". Inside the room were a row of furry coffins. Some traditionally rectangular, others more exotic shaped - All of them clothed in a thick, furry, carpet like covering. Each coffin had it's own unique pattern - some were stripy, others had swirls and spirals, but almost all of them were incredibly garish and kitsch. "We offer them in lambs wool, cashmere, hemp - you name it we do it!" I continued with my hard sell plugging.
At this point the "narrator" of the show began to give a brief biography of me, describing me in glowing terms as “The Willy Wonka of the Funeral World” and the “Bill Gates of Undertakers” . He then began to recap the genesis of my genius:
Narrator: “It all began with a simple idea inspired by the humble supermarket trolley”.
Cut to a younger-looking me standing beside a low standing, elongated trolley and explaining to camera that “Basically, I figured, why not build a coffin-trolley.
Reporter: “A coffin trolley?”
Me: “Right, a trolley to put a coffin on and allow you to push it to and from the chapel.”
Reporter: “And what’s the advantage of that?”
Me: “Well, first off it does away with the need for Pallbearer’s. Plus you don’t need a Hearse – You just push the coffin along yourself. It’s easy – no strength required.”.
Narrator: “It wasn’t long before this daring entrepreneur took his vision even further…”
Cut to images of me fiddling like a mechanic as I construct Caskets with huge motorbike-type wheels attached to their underside’s.
Narrator: “And so the motorized coffin was born...”
Me to camera: “ These babies are going to be remote controlled. 200 horse-power!”
A hideous, furry, rainbow striped, wheeled casket was then shown speeding along over rocky, rough terrain with me remote controlling its movements. Woke up at 5.35 am, couldn't get back to sleep...
I led the documentary makers past a huge, rolling conveyer belt upon which a dazzling array of multicoloured coffins were been spray-painted, polished and "individualised" with personalised embellishments such as quotes, pictures and protruding souvenirs and adornments that were fastened to the caskets.
I swung a door open and pointed, proudly exclaimed "This is our new range". Inside the room were a row of furry coffins. Some traditionally rectangular, others more exotic shaped - All of them clothed in a thick, furry, carpet like covering. Each coffin had it's own unique pattern - some were stripy, others had swirls and spirals, but almost all of them were incredibly garish and kitsch. "We offer them in lambs wool, cashmere, hemp - you name it we do it!" I continued with my hard sell plugging.
At this point the "narrator" of the show began to give a brief biography of me, describing me in glowing terms as “The Willy Wonka of the Funeral World” and the “Bill Gates of Undertakers” . He then began to recap the genesis of my genius:
Narrator: “It all began with a simple idea inspired by the humble supermarket trolley”.
Cut to a younger-looking me standing beside a low standing, elongated trolley and explaining to camera that “Basically, I figured, why not build a coffin-trolley.
Reporter: “A coffin trolley?”
Me: “Right, a trolley to put a coffin on and allow you to push it to and from the chapel.”
Reporter: “And what’s the advantage of that?”
Me: “Well, first off it does away with the need for Pallbearer’s. Plus you don’t need a Hearse – You just push the coffin along yourself. It’s easy – no strength required.”.
Narrator: “It wasn’t long before this daring entrepreneur took his vision even further…”
Cut to images of me fiddling like a mechanic as I construct Caskets with huge motorbike-type wheels attached to their underside’s.
Narrator: “And so the motorized coffin was born...”
Me to camera: “ These babies are going to be remote controlled. 200 horse-power!”
A hideous, furry, rainbow striped, wheeled casket was then shown speeding along over rocky, rough terrain with me remote controlling its movements. Woke up at 5.35 am, couldn't get back to sleep...
posted by The Dreamer | 2:19 AM
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